Baba Ramdev, I died a thousand deaths the moment I heard that you are thinking of floating your own fast-food chain to take on giants like McDonald’s. Before anyone calls me anti-national and anti-swadesi, I plead that I be given a fair chance to present my side of the story.
The racks of my house are full of only Patanjali products. My mother is an an ardent fan of your toothpaste, creams, soaps – the whole patanjali universe finds its place in my mother’s makeup kit. I inevitably end up using all of this. All other fancy products has been done away with. My patriotic mom often talks to me about the days when spinning the charkha was the ultimate test of patriotism and wearing Khadi was considered to be an individual contribution to the struggle for India’s independence. Somewhere in her mind, I feel, her diligent use of your products transports her to those days of “Angrez bharat choro”. Much like Phoebe of Friends used to imagine herself as Florence Nightingale tending injured soldiers in World War 1. I have no problem in your products instilling a sense of patriotism in people while also making them feel that their skin and hair are being taken care of.
TBH, I have no great affinity for the Brazilian spa – something that depletes my bank balance for months to come. If your aloe veras and your chandan and tulsi and sikhakai could help me deal with my frizzy hair, I am okay. Also it would make my mother so happy that the sanksar of your products will rub off on me and behave like ‘parampara ka palan karnewali saundarya’ and not ‘bindaas type, wannabe Aishwarya’.
I am referring to this Patanjali masterpiece:
So, believe me, I really wanted your Patanjali empire to thrive and take over all multinational chains. But then, my swadeshi mother brought home something from that Disneyland of hers — called Patanjali store — that ruined my taste buds forever.
Those were the days when my childhood friend Maggi was going through a huge MSG crisis. No, I am not referring to the Messenger of God, Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh of Sirsa. I am talking about Monosodium Glutamate, which was found in excess in Maggi. It was a crisis for mom too. How will she deal with the hunger pangs of her fat girl with unpredictable metabolism? As usual she turned to you and you dropped the vardaan of Patanjali Atta Noodles in her palm. When I finally got to have the bhog, it tasted nothing like noodles should taste. It tasted worse than the watery khichdi we have on days we are not well.
I will not even talk about your products failing quality checks. I am not really bothered about the quality of the food. With the amount of expired food products still lying in my fridge and being used occasionally, I am quite used to eating all kinds of unhealthy junk. But taste is of paramount importance to me. And all your food product fail the taste-check.
So when I heard that you are about to take on the likes of McDonald’s, KFC and Domino’s, my heart shrank. I know for a fact, family dinners will from now on happen in the temples of Patanjali Pizza and burger stores. I don’t want to die of cheese-less depression. Tell me if we all started having kaddu pizza and palak burgers, will all our weight issues would not be cured? And then what will happen to your main occupation — Yoga? So, please let our burgers and pizza be and stop this forced Patanjalification of our taste buds.