West Bengal Assembly unanimously passed a resolution on Thursday to change the state’s name to ‘Bangla’. To those wondering what brought this on, it was a simple case of having to wait too long. At every meeting of all the states, West Bengal – like students who appear at the fag end of attendance registers – has always had to wait for hours to make their presentation.
The chief minister’s honest-to-god endeavour of cutting the line and skipping past 29 states to get to fourth place will be hailed in three different languages English, Bengali and Hindi. All it needs is the home ministry’s approval and Bengal’s problems will disappear with a swish of the wand.
What problems, you ask? Like every other trueblue Bengali, who’d rather unsee the problems that plague the state because the biriyani has aloo (potato) and the ‘aantel’ (intellectual) in all of us is satisfied.
Say goodbye to braindrain
But we digress because Bengal’s problems ARE tied to its name. There the bold and underline seals the deal. If the Bengali in me were to assume that ‘Bangla’ will bring luck to my dear state, I believe five of these issues will surely be solved. First, Bengal’s plunging unemployment rate will no longer scare the living daylights out of someone like me who sees no hope of returning. A rechristening is all we need to reel the jobs back to where they belong.
Bangla will have the best higher education, y’all!
Secondly, any cha-drinking, jhola-carrying, cigarette-smoking student (“Maoist student”, as Ms Banerjee fondly calls them) will tell you that the education system in Bengal has gone to the dogs. Pfft! Typical comrades wouldn’t know what good education looks like. So what if the primary education system is dying a slow death with lack of funds, untrained teachers and weak academic planning.
A name-change is all we needed to make Bengal safer for women
Third, women residing in the new ‘Bangla’ will invariably be safer. If it’s really about ranks then West Bengal has already topped the list of crimes against women. National Crime Records Bureau’s 2016 report claimed the state recorded “alarming levels of crimes against women”. West Bengal alone accounts for 44% of human trafficking cases.
Water crisis? Not in Bangla
Rural areas in Bengal may be on the brink of a Cape Town-level water crisis but a resident of ‘Bangla’ can easily disassociate themselves from these smalltime reports from nowhere. Following Rajasthan’s footsteps, West Bengal has the second-highest number of villagers with no access to safe drinking water.
Kiss the debts goodbye
This is actually a stroke of genius! With a change of name, Bengal can finally get rid of the humongous Rs 3.40 lakh crore debt, one of the highest among all other states. While the debt-collecters badger Bengal, Bangla can happily start things over with a clean slate.