Dear Mr Subramanian Swamy,
First of all, thank you for existing. As a journalist, I owe you a lot. Without you and your insightful takes on issues, we would have to write about boring-boring things like farmers suicide and data leaks. You colour our days with everyday misogyny, casteism and homophobia.
Now, let’s get to the meat. The thing is, sir, I am “a gay”. Homo. Chakka. Meetha. You get the picture. And sir, today, barely hours after the Supreme Court said that it will revisit its 2013 judgment upholding Section 377, you said the IPC section, which criminalises gay sex, cannot go.
You also said that, and I quote here — “As long as they don’t celebrate it, don’t flaunt it, don’t create gay bars to select partners it’s not a problem. In their privacy what they do, nobody can invade but if you flaunt it, it has to be punished & therefore there has to be section 377.”
As long as they don’t celebrate it, don’t flaunt it, don’t create gay bars to select partners it’s not a problem. In their privacy what they do, nobody can invade but if you flaunt it, it has to be punished & therefore there has to be #Section377 of the IPC: Subramanian Swamy pic.twitter.com/hgWtw54U3P
— ANI (@ANI) January 8, 2018
I totally agree with you, sir. And I would like you to know being a sanskaari gay man, I don’t “go to bars and select partners”. Just so you know, on weekends, in the privacy of my apartment, I sit in a corner and cry buckets, lamenting the futility of my gay existence. After all, as you said in 2015, we “homos are genetically handicapped.”
However, I would like you to know that many of my gay friends are regularly visiting bars, sir. As shocking as this may seem to you, they are smoking and dancing and also openly eyeing other men. When I tell them that they have no right to be themselves in public, they scoff at me. Can you imagine their galls, sir?
They also regularly attend that horrible pride march — demanding their rights, shouting slogans, claiming to be equal citizens of the country. Fools. Here, I would like to point out that I harbour no such misconceptions, sir.
*Agle janam mujhe mithiya na kijo*
Sir, I would also like to point out that increasingly, queer people of this country — the chakkas and meethas — are all coming out of the closet. They are meeting partners through dating apps, meeting people in mixer events and openly going out on dates in public places. In good old days, we would sneak out and meet people in stinky, abandoned loos. We would not come out to our family fearing ostracism. But now people have lost all shame. You won’t believe this but I have seen many homos openly showing middle fingers to people who taunt them. They are not like me, slowly slinking away into the darkness after spending a few moments of pleasure in a stinky loo. They are not like me, ready to pay thousands to blackmailing cops for being caught hugging my partner.
Today, the gays want more.
Sir, I would like you to know that I am equally concerned about this new development. With Section 377 gone, gay men will go to bars and flaunt themselves openly in this country without any fear of persecution. Sir, these gay men are a bigger threat than noodles for our boys. Unsuspecting straight men will fall prey to their vicious ploys and they will soon convert all our boys into homos. Because sir, that’s exactly how it works.
Sir, you may get a lot of flak for what you said by the liberal types, but I would like you to know that today, you have again stood for the greatest institution of our country — patriarchy.
May sanskaar be with you.
A very ashamed gay man (as he should be)
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece. The views expressed above are of the individual and not that of The Indian Express.